


Brothers.

by champagneleftie



Category: SKAM (TV)
Genre: Balloon Squad, Friendship, Mentions of Even's suicide attempt but nothing explicit
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-07-21
Updated: 2017-07-21
Packaged: 2018-12-04 23:44:47
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 3,968
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/11565864
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/champagneleftie/pseuds/champagneleftie
Summary: Yousef’s friends are his family. His brothers. He has always said that he would do anything for them.Yousef's thoughts and reactions to Even's manic episode and suicide attempt at Bakka, and how it affects their friendship.An attempt to flesh out Yousef's explanation in Det beste fra Islam, and explain his reactions to Even being mentioned throughout season 4.





	Brothers.

**Author's Note:**

> Hi everyone! So, this is the first fic I've published in something like 10 years - I'm a bit nervous, but I hope you like it! 
> 
> This is dedicated to my best friend and biggest supporter Anna. Without her I don't think I'd do this at all. 
> 
> Anyway, enjoy!

**Brothers.**

Yousef’s friends are his family. His brothers. He has always said - believed, wholeheartedly - that he would do anything for them.

Everything.

Yousef has always been the friend that the others come to when they need someone to listen. It just worked out that way. If you were bored and wanted something to do, some way too ambitious project or activity that would seriously take over your life - you went to Elias. If you needed someone to psych out with, over some new movie or game or album, someone to match your enthusiasm over the best new thing in your life - Mutta was your guy. If you wanted to complain about the state of the world, Adam would always be your best choice. Mikael could answer basically any trivia question, and would help you with your homework without question but with plenty of mocking. If you needed to be cheered up, needed a great party to take your mind of things, Even would know where to go. And if you needed someone to listen, Yousef was there. 

 

**Elias.**

Everyone always assumes that Yousef and Elias have known each other forever. Like all the Muslims in all of Norway know each other, or something. Like there aren’t 180 000 Muslims in Norway (Yousef knows because this is a statistic Mikael cites whenever anyone starts spouting racist and islamophobic nonsense. He also likes to point out that there are more Muslims than catholics and pentecostals in Norway. This doesn’t always go over great with the racists).

No, Yousef and Elias haven’t known each other very long. In fact, Adam’s the one Yousef’s known the longest, since they were little kids. Elias and Yousef met at the first revue party in their first year at Elvebakken. Everyone was sticking to the groups that they had pre-gamed with - Yousef had been there with the stage group because one of the few people he had talked to at school, a guy in his math class, was going to their pre-game, and Elias had been with the media production group - but Elias had come up to him and introduced himself, because he’d seen him around school, and because he thought Yousef was a good dancer. Also, they seemed to be two of the only sober people there. Yousef remembers that the night had ended with him, Elias and Mikael trying to get a very drunk Even home safely. They had yet to learn how to balance a drunk three meter beanstalk, but by the time summer rolled around again they were pros at it. By the following friday they were on the same russ bus.

But Elias is his best bud. The closest thing Yousef has to an actual sibling. They look out for each other. Take care of each other. Elias takes care of Yousef, and Yousef takes care of Elias.

They don't really talk about it, feelings and stuff. At least, not in so many words. But they’re close enough that Yousef understands what Elias is saying, close enough that he can read between the lines.

Close enough that he can see that Elias’ gap year hasn’t really been what he was hoping. There’ve been a lot of fights with his parents, over the fact that Elias doesn't know what he wants in life, isn’t ambitious, isn’t Sana, isn’t his brother. A lot of nights of staying over at Yousef’s, or claiming that he’s staying over at Yousef's because he’s hooked up with some random girl at some party or other.

Close enough that he knows that when Elias comes up with the idea for Hei Briskeby, and decides that Mikael will edit it, it’s because he’s worried about him. Because Mikael, despite being only three weeks younger than Elias and older than Yousef, Adam and Mutta, has always been the baby of their group. And because Elias has noticed that almost a year after everything Mikael is still quieter, more guarded, than  _ before _ . Because Mikael hasn’t made any movies since then. Because he’s drinking more, smoking more, going to Friday prayers less. So Yousef goes along, and while Elias says that it’s his and Yousef’s channel, both of them know that it’s actually Mikael’s.

He knows that when Elias gets completely wasted on the vodka that Yousef claimed as his own in front of Elias’ and Sana’s parents, it's because he feels lost right now, because he’s drifting, aimlessly, and he can't really see an end to it. Because he feels that he doesn't fit in anywhere - that he isn’t Norwegian enough, and not Moroccan enough. Not Muslim enough, and still too Muslim. And he doesn't need to tell Yousef any of this, because Yousef knows exactly what that feels like, because he feels it too. They’re all trying to manage their different identities, trying to walk the line between their parents, their heritages, their society. The expectations. And when Sana asks him, that same night, why he doesn't believe in Allah, and Yousef tells her that he feels that religion just divides society, he also means that it divides him. That it divides Elias (and Mutta, and Adam, and Mikael). That that which should probably make him feel whole, which makes Sana feel complete, is, for him, another piece of a puzzle that doesn’t really come together.

And when Elias fights with Isak, Yousef knows that he’s angry, not with Isak first of all, but with the world, the world that always assumes the worst of them - that they're homophobes, or criminals, or misogynists. And he knows that Elias is hurt, and disappointed, in Even, who should know better, who’s heard enough, seen enough to not think like that, but whose loyalties seem to have shifted in the last year, but also in himself, because it shouldn’t be like this. They should have done better. They shouldn’t be on opposite sides of a fight. They were brothers. Yousef knows, because he feels it too.

 

**Mikael.**

They were 20 guys on their bus. Apart from the occasional party Yousef hasn't actually hung out with any of the guys outside their group since graduation. It’s not like he was really close to anyone outside of Elias, Adam, Mutta, Mikael and Even anyway. And even within that group they were sort of divided. Yousef and Elias. Adam and Mutta. And Mikael and Even.

Mikael and Even are as close as Elias and Yousef. Maybe closer. They’ve known each other longer, anyway, met in eighth grade. Together with Sonja, they even form a bit of a trio sometimes (even if Yousef always thinks it's obvious that Sonja and Mikael could not be more different - the way Sonja gets mad whenever Even and Mikael leave a party to get high, or too drunk, or when they do risky stuff like try to somersault simultaneously on Mikael’s trampoline or climb too tall trees or something, or how Mikael gets quiet and snarky every time Even ditches the guys to be with his girlfriend instead).

And then. Suddenly, everything starts to get weirder and weirder. Yousef doesn’t understand anything of what’s going on, and neither do the others. Even has always been intense, but now, it’s like he’s moving at twice the speed of everyone else. His ideas become even stranger, he misses more and more school, his messages to their group chat are more and more random.

And then there’s the kiss. And maybe the kiss itself isn’t that big of a deal, but it’s what sticks in Yousef’s mind. Because it is the kiss that makes Mikael call him at three in the morning, in hysterics. It’s the kiss that makes Yousef get out of bed, put on his clothes and bike as fast as he can to Mikael’s house. And he listens while Mikael tells him everything, tells him how Even had come around, again, at midnight, how he’d tried to calm him down but he felt like he couldn’t connect with him, and how Even had declared his love for him and tried to kiss him. And Mikael can hardly breathe, and Yousef thinks that maybe this is what a panic attack is like. He tries to help Mikael calm down, tries to get him to follow his breathing like he's seen people do in movies and stuff, because it’s not like they have a paper bag just lying around. Finally, Mikael manages to breathe normally again, and like so often during the last few months, they start talking about what Even's problem might be. Has he moved on from weed to something heavier? Does he have a brain tumor or something?

And then, the notifications start. They’re both in the revue group on Facebook, so they both get them. Simultaneously. They sit next to each other on Mikael’s bed as Even posts verse after verse. And they’ve talked about this -  _ Even  _ has talked about this, and Mikael has talked about this - about how you can find the same horrible sentiments in the Bible, how any religion can be used just as much for hate as for love. Yousef has listened to the guys discuss this a thousand times, has heard Mikael and Even talk about Islam and homosexuality, the role of women, the place of Islam in Europe, Islamic activism and peace workers in the Middle East and Syria. Sometimes Yousef thinks Even knows more about Islam than he does. He knows that Mikael definitely does.

Beside him, Mikael is refreshing Facebook over and over again. Even’s grinning profile picture stares back at them, oblivious, mocking. And it's almost like Yousef can hear Mikael’s heart breaking as he watches, for hours, how Even takes that which Mikael holds as the most important thing in his life, the part of himself that he values the most, and puts a spotlight on its ugliest parts.

The next day, neither Mikael nor Even are at school. At lunch Yousef meets Elias, Adam and Mutta in the cafeteria, and they can’t help but notice the stares they’re getting, because of course everyone knows what’s happened, even if the actual posts have been deleted, and of course everyone knows that Even is their friend, because the two meter tall blonde guy with the five Muslims obviously stands out. And Yousef doesn't want to think about what the stares mean. Do they mean  _ oh, so that’s what they really believe? _ Or do they mean  _ do they know what the fuck happened to Even?  _ He’s just glad no one has asked him - both Mutta and Adam have gotten questions from their classmates, the other guys on the bus - even some random first year girl who’s possibly in the revue - maybe Kosegruppa? - but who none of them knows.

They text Mikael and Even, asking if they’re ok, but only Mikael answers, so they all agree to go over to his house after their last classes. They sit on his bed, on his floor, on his desk chair, and Mikael, who’s always laughing, always making smartass comments, is quiet, looking through screen shots of Even’s posts. And Yousef doesn’t know it at the time, but in the weeks to come he will find himself sitting on Mikael's bed more evenings than not, as Mikael tries to figure out what all of this means - for his faith, for his friendship with Even.

And while he listens to Mikael, Yousef silently tries to answer those same questions for himself.

 

**Even.**

Yousef tells himself that he can be a good person even if he doesn’t believe in Allah. Even if he doesn't fast, or pray. That the values of Islam are more important than the actual beliefs. And that maybe life will be easier if he just tries to be a decent person, without labels. But sometimes he wonders if he’s just lying to himself. Because Yousef isn’t so sure that he’s been a good person in the last year.

Mikael goes back to school after a few days. Even doesn’t. Elias, Adam and Mutta try to text him. He never answers. Finally, Elias asks Sonja at school, and finds out that Even is depressed.

Yousef isn't sure that that explains it. He’s pretty sure it doesn't excuse anything.

Elias, Adam and Mutta weren’t there. They may have noticed that Mikael’s sad, but they don’t know that he questions if his friendship with Even was ever real. They haven’t heard how small Mikael sounds when he asks Yousef if he thinks Even hates him? They haven't sat next to Mikael, haven’t watched him stare in silence at the ceiling, for hours. So Yousef doesn't text Even. He can’t. Yousef isn’t an aggressive person. He never gets angry, he just doesn't see the point. He’s dragged Elias away from many fights, he’s calmed down Adam when he’s gotten into shouting matches, in school or at parties, he’s listened to all of them rant about the injustices of the world. But he’s never been the one who gets angry. But now, he finds that he’s furious. Furious at Even. And he discovers that his fury is a cold one, an icy fire that burns in his chest, that makes him want to hurt Even as badly as he hurt Mikael, makes him never want to see Even's face again. And he learns that he can hold a grudge, that his anger burns steadily as the weeks drag on, as Mikael starts smiling and talking again, even if his smile is a little forced and there is less enthusiasm in his voice than what they’re used to.

And then they hear of Even’s suicide attempt. 

It starts out as a rumor. Whispers in school corridors. At parties. Finally, Elias asks Sonja’s friend Elise about it, because Sonja is gone from school a lot this spring as well, and she confirms it.

And the fire in Yousef’s chest is extinguished in a matter of seconds. In its place a growing black hole of guilt.

_ Suicide. _

He can’t comprehend it.

_ Suicide. _

Even tried to end his own life. He tried to kill himself. And Yousef has been angry with him. Has tried to cut him out of life, banish him from his thoughts. He hasn't even texted him. In months. And now, he doesn't know what to say.

Yousef tries. He sends Even a text, a short, stiff, awkward text, that really shouldn’t have taken him half an hour to compose. It lodges itself directly under a Seinfeld meme Even sent five months ago. He doesn't get a reply.

Neither do the others.

In September Elias tells them that Sana’s seen Even at Nissen. How did he look? He looked fine. Normal. Happy.

They text him again. Nothing.

Fine then. If Even doesn't want to hang out with them anymore they can't force him. He’s moved on. They can move on as well.

Except Yousef can’t shake the feeling that they’ve failed. That they’ve lost a brother. That they should be six, not five. That Yousef thought that he could die for his friends, and Even almost died without them. 

The guilt doesn't go away. Even’s name comes up when they play chat roulette, and Yousef feels sick. Sana asks him about his faith, and what should have been a perfect moment is suddenly clouded by flashbacks from over a year ago. And he tries to explain to her that after reading what Even wrote on the wall, after seeing Mikael almost implode from sorrow, after knowing that his faith drove Even to try to kill himself, after pulling Elias away from too many racist idiots - he can't find it in himself to believe anymore. He doesn't know if he manages very well.

But it’s spring, and Yousef’s mind is full of  _ Sana Sana Sana _ . So even if the guilt doesn't disappear it’s not as acute as it was. And he’s been trying to figure her out, because she’s just so back and forth - she doesn't answer his texts, and then they walk home together and play basketball and he thinks they have a  _ moment _ and then she unfriends him? So obviously he’s misunderstood. Seen signs where there were none. He doesn't want to be here at Syng, doesn't understand why Elias insisted. He’s completely focused on playing it cool, because whatever game he usually has goes out the window when she’s around.

And then he enters Syng, and the first person he sees isn't Sana, it’s Even. And Yousef could kick himself, because of course. This is a Nissen party. A Nissen party with karaoke. Of course Even is here.

Yousef doesn't really know how to react to this. He can tell that Even doesn't either by the way he freezes. And he sees Isak, and he sees Magnus and Jonas and Mahdi, and he’s jealous. He’s jealous, because Even seems  _ fine _ . Fine, like the last year didn't happen. Fine, like he’s replaced them without a second thought.

And behind him he hears Mutta, hears his excitement, hears him insist that they have to go talk to Even, isn’t this so great?! It’s Even! And Yousef knows Mutta’s right, they have to talk to Even. He  _ wants  _ to talk to Even. He wants to say he’s sorry for failing him, for abandoning him. He wants to demand an explanation. He wants to understand. He just needs a little time, a chance to process this. He’s just going to get a glass of water first.

When he returns everything has gone to hell.

 

**Sana.**

The next time Yousef sees Even is at Eva’s birthday party. And he doesn't understand how, but suddenly it’s like the last year and a half never happened. At least for the others. He watches Mikael play croquet with Even and Isak and he wonders how he can just be… fine? Because Yousef does not feel fine. Yousef… Yousef doesn’t know what he feels. He just knows that he’s never felt  _ so much _ before in his life.

He almost wishes that he only had to worry about talking everything out with Even, then maybe he could sort out his thoughts. But. All of a sudden it’s like everything happens at once. He’s trying to gather the courage to talk to Even at the party, to explain himself - and then suddenly Sana is smiling at him again, and any thought that isn’t  _ Sana  _ with a big side of  _ what the hell does this even mean  _ has no chance of entering his brain. And he decides he’ll talk to the guys when they play kubb, wants to ask Mikael if he’s talked to Even, what did they say?, but then Sana is there,  _ sitting next to him,  _ and he has no idea what he’s even saying, and then suddenly he’s thrown grass at her. And just as he’s trying to write Even a text, trying to condense all the thoughts he’s had in the past year and a half to as few words as possible, Sana adds him on Facebook again and messages him, and Yousef can barely speak for three days, much less write.

(The problem, he’s discovered, with being in love with your best friend’s sister, is that you can’t discuss it with your best friend. All of a sudden Yousef has to compose his own text messages, and he’s pretty sure he shouldn’t be trusted with that kind of responsibility when it comes to Sana.)

Sana is perfect. She is smart, and kind, and a good friend, and her smile is the most beautiful thing in the world. Yousef doesn't want to think about what he’d do, the lengths he’d go to, to see that smile. He’s pretty sure it’d be something illegal.

Sana is perfect. Yousef most definitely isn't. Yousef abandons his friends when they need him the most and then can’t even work up the courage to talk to them, to apologise. So he gets it. Really, it’s fine. He understands if someone as perfect as Sana doesn't want to be with him. He does.

And then it turns out that Sana isn’t perfect either. And Yousef has never loved her more than he does in the moment she tells him that she hasn't been a good person this Ramadan. That she was bullied. That she gets angry. Because suddenly, Sana is an actual person. Still as smart, and as kind, and with the same beautiful smile, but a person. Like him. And he feels like he could tell her everything.

When he does, it’s over Skype, when he’s already in Turkey. It’s after he’s watched the latest Hei Briskeby video, and after he’s heard Even say that it wasn't their fault, that it wasn't because of them. He tells her of his anger, and his guilt, and how he feels that he abandoned his friend - his brother - when he needed him the most. And he tells her that he doesn't know how he can fix that, that even if Even or the rest of the guys don't hate him he feels like a small part of him will always hate himself for what he did.

And Sana listens. She listens, and she thinks about what he’s said before she answers. And Yousef loves her for it, loves that she doesn't just give him some platitude, that she doesn't tell him that it’ll be fine, that he’ll get over it.

“You're a good person,” she tells him. “A good friend. And Even knows that you never meant to hurt him. And he never meant to hurt you either.” She smiles. “You just have to remember the values of the great revue party religion. You know, to be grateful, to care for others, to put others before yourself.” Pause. “But for me… for me everything felt better when I talked to my friends and told them everything. About why I did what I did, and how I feel about them, and everything.”

Yousef decides, then and there, that when he marries Sana, or maybe when he proposes, or at some other romantic moment, he’s going to tell her that she makes him a better person. Because she is the best person he knows, and if he can attempt to be just a little bit more like her, he will go for it.

 

**Brothers.**

So Yousef calls his friends. And his friends - his brothers - they listen.

Yousef calls Adam, and tells him about his anger. And Adam listens, and tells Yousef that he’s always admired his calm, that sometimes, anger has a purpose, but that you have to learn to let it go when the purpose is no longer there.

Yousef calls Mutta, and tells him of his guilt, and his jealousy. And Mutta listens, and tells Yousef that the only way he knows how to deal with feelings like that is to go on as always, to focus on what is fun in life and let yourself heal.

Yousef calls Mikael, and talks to him about his crisis of faith. And Mikael listens, and tells him of his own doubts and struggles with trying to find a way to be religious that works for him, in his life.

Yousef calls Elias, and he tells him everything. He tells him about his anger, his guilt, his jealousy and his crisis of faith. He tells him about his feelings for Sana, that he believes they are soulmates. And Elias listens, and he tells Yousef everything. He tells him everything Yousef already knew, but that they’ve never put into words. Elias tells him about his worry for Mikael, for Sana, for his own future. They talk about how they’re just trying to find their place in a society that doesn't seem to want to make room for them. And Elias tells Yousef that he is the best man he knows.

And then, finally, Yousef calls Even. 


End file.
